Well here I am, only two days after writing a column where my creativity glass was damn near empty and I took all my frustration out on another crappy TNA show, here writing another article. I have to admit that the comment left by McLovin really put a boot in my ass. However, don’t get it twisted son, you ever tell me to shutup again and I’ll write an entire article about the life, times, and greatest matches of Mark Henry.
I’m serous.
Also, telling me I’m the best part of the website really doesn’t do much to help my over-inflated ego as it is.
This morning, upon waking up, I looked at the other three columns that were posted within the past week other than mine, and I noticed that they’re all the SAME DAMN THING. Trev, well... I’ve already sad what I’ve needed to say about Trev. Graboidz writes like he needs to fill in some kinda quota for the week, and that new guy XKon hasn’t brought anything original to the table. Vincent, Gibbs, Dave Cunning, and Kerr have updates that are less frequent than an entertaining episode of TNA Impact. Jones has crawled back into whatever hole he was in, and the “I’m not Hypnotized Guy” tapped out after like three columns. I’m not knocking any of them... Well, yeah I am...
Everyone’s damning WWE and Raw. Do you guys, the readers really want to get online and see constant bashing of the current stuff on TV? Whenever I finally broke down and signed up to become a columnist, I promised myself I wouldn’t fall into that trap, but low and behold just three columns in and I’m guilty of doing the same thing. Of course, I’m the only one who was ballsy enough to not follow the trend and bash Total Non-Stop Action instead, but I’m guilty none-the-less.
That’s why my “The Furious Five” article will attempt to be a lighthearted spin on pro-wrestling, where we can talk about bad gimmicks, funny moments, or just be a non-conventional “top ten” list of wrestling. I’m not going to do top lists of what you’d expect. No nerd columns of “CHRIS BENOIT’S TOP FIVE TECHNICAL WRESTLING MATCHES” but instead will be top lists of non-conventional subjects, such as this first column: The Top Five Greatest Chairshots in the History of Wrestling. That’s right, guys. It’s going to be brutal, and It’s going to give you, the readers, collective concussions just by reading!
Opening Rant
Damn, NXT was a great episode last night. Sure they’re guilty of the same thing I was upset about last week, with only one match, but at the VERY least, that match contained the actual wrestlers they were trying to put over. I don’t want to sound like a mark, but the results seemed like it was honest to God voted on by the fans. Kaval was the perfect choice. He worked thirteen hard, long years to have the right to simmer in WWE’s midcard hell for a massive pay raise, and I congratulate him. I read Trev say that it was a travesty of justice, along with saying he’s going to be as entertaining as watching paint dry. That leads me to two conclusions. The first being that Trev has never watched a match with Low-Ki in it, and two, I officially believe that we live in two alternate universes where the same wrestling programs air, but with every different earth versions of each wrestler (Yes, I’m a comic book fan.)
I’m all down for Curt’s son, and we all know that he will have a contract with the WWE. He’s got the look and the size. Hell, he’s already seemingly been placed at the top of a new Nexus like stable (did everyone see Alex Riley attack the wrong guy? Just TERRIBLE I tells ya!) However, if you all watched NXT last night, we saw his biggest fault. Dude is sorry on the mic. His two promos had me rolling on the floor laughing. They were AWFUL. I pray that both were written for him. I know how everyone’s all about “JUST LET THESE GUYS BE THEMSELVESSSS,” but if those two promos were all him, then he seriously needs to be shipped back down to FCW for promo training. Watch some tapes of your dad, Mr. Hennig. That’s how you talk on a mic.
SPEA-king of talking on the mic, was anyone as surprised as myself when Kaval totally decimated Hennig on the stick last night just before the winner was announced? Even Michael Cole had to break Kayfabe and say it was amazing. That promo by Kaval made my night. I love a good shoot decimation every once in a while. Trust me, there will be a “Top five shoots” coming real soon, if not next week. In short, Kaval was the perfect choice. He’s short on stature, but his ability to get himself over on the microphone and his actual in-ring skill set should be sufficient enough to get him to the top of the WWE, if politics don’t manage to hold him back. We’ll just have to see. You guys need to learn to give gimmicks and/or angles more than ten minutes before you deem it a failure. That’s all I’m going to say. Let’s get on to the top five, shall we?
The Furious Five Top Five Chairshots in Wrestling History
Honorable Mention
The video I just have just shown comes from my personal collection that I uploaded to YouTube. Now, this would have been my number one, but it wouldn’t be fair considering it happened in a sorry indy fed based out of Canada, and two, it shows violence on women. Before you ask, I don’t remember what fed or what wrestlers were involved. It’s been about six years and I just needed an excuse to upload this video to YouTube. Dumb bitch needs to throw up her hands next time. On to the list!
#5 The Chairshot Heard Around The World
This is my favorite chairshot in the history of ECW. During their brutal blood feud, Tommy Dreamer has Raven cuffed to a cage, and with no way to defend himself, Raven eats a sickening shot to the forehead that literally bends the chair around him. Amazingly violent, and somehow, Raven still manages to find a way to beat Dreamer. HOW?! The Chairshot comes around the one minute mark. This video also has a bonus chairshot on Raven from Chris Kanyon in WCW. It’s no where near as awesome, but uhh.. Chris will be in this list later on.
#4 Undertaker’s Attempted Murder on Heidenreich.
If I was Heidenreich, I would have quit immediately after this spot. I mean seriously, what did he do to Taker to deserve this?! Did he take Mark’s last piece of chicken? Oh well. Atleast the crowd loved it. Hopefully the fans can help pay for his medical bills when he is admitted into a convalescent home.
#3 Jeff and Matt Hardy do not approve of Brock Lesnar
During Brock’s initial push to the top, he reached a small stumbling block in Matt and Jeff Hardy, who were getting tired of his shit. What comes next is one of the most vicious blows to the skull I’ve ever seen. I don’t know how Brock Lesnar was able to stand up after the first chairshot. Please, get this guy an MRI, Stat!
#2 Eddie Guerrero threatens the to change the term “Muta Scale” to “Guerrero Scale”
During Eddie’s World Title Run somehow transformed into “HEY GUYS! LET’S PUT JBL OVER!” The two men had an unbelievably violent showdown for the strap. During the match, with the commentary team already leaving down, JBL gives Eddie a chairshot he would never forget. What followed was a GRUESOME blade job by Mr. Guerrero that still gives me nightmares.
And the most horrific chairshot in history goes to....
#1 Undertaker’s Attempted Murder on Chris Kanyon.
Ugh........ You know, a lot of people say that this was a result of Chris Kanyon coming out of the closet or whatever. I don’t know either way as I wasn’t backstage, but... this chairshot man.
I dunno what to say about it. Just watch. I cannot embed this one as it’s not on youtube. I had to do some hard googling to find this, and was able to find a link on a Japanese video site. Apparently this chair shot is being used against Linda McMahon and her campaign right now. Good Idea. Look at the brutality of it! Listen to the tone of Taz’s voice. The Chairshot comes at around the 6:50 mark, but if you want to see Chris Kanyon sing some Culture Club to Undertaker, be my guest.
That’s this week’s Furious Five. Feel free to let me know if I missed any other goodies, if I’m an idiot, etc etc. Please leave suggestions for the next top five, or I might consider doing the top five Gene Snitsky matches.
