Welcome to week two of what I hope will become the most sarcastic and hateful article that this website has ever seen, “I Hate to be ‘That’ Guy.” Thursday, August the 19th was my thirtieth birthday, so I was too intoxicated to witness Thursday Night’s iMpact. On Friday, I was too hung over to watch Friday Night Smackdown, so unfortunately, Monday Night Raw will face the brunt of my snarkiness this week, even though I’m sure TNA did something even dumber on their show.

Speaking of TNA, Wow, did you guys see the rating for Thursday’s show? It looks like more people agreed with me about last week’s show than any of you care to admit to. The RVD bloodbath, the craptastical tag team finals and the overall stinkiness that was the ECW beating pretty much caused everyone to change their channels and not look back.

A .97 in ratings?! Really?! REALLY?! Some guy I was arguing with in the comments section a few weeks before the ECW was raving about how it the angle was a huge success without having any facts backing them up. Well, here are my facts. The rating was under a 1.00. Damn guys. Just... Damn. I could go into a rant about how I’m right and all of you are wrong, but I’ll let the rating numbers speak for themselves. I will however, leave you with this gif explaining my position:

On a summary day in 2000, I was waiting outside of the Legendary Greensboro Coliseum, the home of the first four NWA Starrcades The Arena that witnessed many legendary matches and even more NWA Championship changes would hold a house show featuring WWF Superstars. Being a SUPER mark at the time, I would hang out at the Arena hours before the shows to catch a glimpse at the WWF guys who would enter the Arena. I’ve had plenty of hilarious stories in that parking lot, from meeting the midget Matt Hardy to almost being run down by Big Show driving a compact car, something crazy always happens when I would get their early. This day would be no different.

As I was standing around that warm September day, a white limousine pulled up beside me. The tinted back window slowly rolled down. Sitting no more than three feet away from me with bright eyes and a gleaming smile was Trish Stratus.

Yes. That Trish Stratus.

Now, I wish I could sit here and type that I manned up, but the COMPLETE OPPOSITE happened. As she talked to me, just about every bodily function of mine failed, including hearing and the ability to move. By the time I realized she was asking me questions, the window had already been rolled back up and the limo was gone.

I still wonder to this day what the fuck that stupid Canadian bitch was asking me. FUCK!

Regardless, I had no idea that THAT very woman who stole the breath from my lungs would go on to become a seven time WWE Women’s Champion, because as anyone knows who watched the product back in 2000, she.... Sucked. Bad.

In fact, the entire women’s division was really really REALLY bad at the time. There were maybe four women in the division, and Stephanie McMahon had just completed her epic WWF Women’s Championship Run.

Yes. That Stephanie McMahon.

Trish went to prove all of us wrong though, as Vince made her the Son Goku of The WWE’s women division (Look him up) She would vanquish one foe only to have a brand new lady arrive with some sort of crazed, background beef with Stratus only to start a new feud. A series of awesome matches would occur. Trish would defeat her foe only to have another one attack her from behind to start a new feud. Not only did we get to see Trish grow as a performer, we would get to see the roster of women begin to fill with the likes of Molly Holly, Jazz, Victoria, Gail Kim and eventually, Mickie James. Fit Finlay was kicking ass and taking names down in the women’s training facility.

*Sighs* Then he was brought up to the main roster.

And even worse, the “WWE Diva Search,” These two things effectively killed the Women’s Division. Now we’re forced to watch Alicia Fox, who has the worst weave in the history of television do the worst axe kick in the history of martial arts on a weekly basis.

What can WWE do to remedy this?

1. Focus the Division on someone who can actual wrestle again.

Put the belt on Gail Kim and give her a reason to actually care about her craft. She’s been pathetic since returning from TNA and she needs a fire lit under her ass. With her and Melina back, put them in a high profile feud.

2. Give women proper time to perform.

This annoys me the most. Most women’s matches are 2 minutes tops. What’s the damn point?! If you’re not going to care about the division, you could atleast give that time to other matches, assholes.

3. RAID SHIMMER.

There’s a ton of awesome talent there. Simply go back to the old days and bring in women for either Beth, Melina or Gail to defeat in the ring. Remember the old days of Alundra Blaze where they’d actually ship women in from Japan to do battle against her?

No? Here:

Note that Alundra and Aja Kong never got to meet in a WWF ring, as Alundra showed up on WCW TV and uhh... you know the rest, but the fact that this woman ever stepped foot inside a WWF ring is mind boggling. Did you see that Uraken at the end of the match? CHRIST!

Look WWE, I’m not asking for much, but for a guy who’s only noticed the product in the first place because of Wendi Richter beating the crap out of Spider-Lady on a weekly basis, give me something! Can I atleast have a better theme song for Gail Kim? Please.

Motor City Machine Guns and Beer Money won my award last week because of their non stop no selling and telegraphed spots, but this week we’re going to look into one of the worst WWE shows in recent memory. Fresh off the main event of Summerslam where Cena won the “DX vs. Spirit Squad” award for single-handedly burying an entire stable, This week’s “I Hate to be That Guy” award goes to:

I can almost see the board room meeting now.

Writer: Ok, we painted ourselves into the corner last night. Where does NXT go now? They were almost killed by Daniel Bryan alone, and then Cena finished the job following a DDT to the concrete below. You know, the same DDT that almost ended Ricky Steamboats career 25 years ago.

Writer 2: hmm... How about this? We have individual matches tonight where the members of NXT MUST win if they want to remain in the stable.

Writer: So, we put everyone over clean, thus re-establishing their dominance and overall danger to the WWE roster?

Writer 2: Right. Except... uhhh... Chris Jericho seems to be the only one willing to lose clean to Barrett. The rest can win, but no one else on the roster is willing to lose in the middle of the ring, and John Cena is still going insane that there’s an ACTUAL Black version of himself on the roster. He says it negates his entire character.

Writer: Damn. How are we going to have everyone win, yet not make any of the established guys look weak?

*The door to the board room is suddenly kicked open.*

Dusty Rhodes: Don’t worry Gentlemen. Leave that part... to me.

The first match of Raw was amazing. Wade Barrett further cemented himself as the new face of wrestling by destroying the first ever Undisputed Champion in the center of the ring. From there, Raw fell apart. Every single bitch-made ending that you could think of came to pass.

Okay, I’ll give them that. There is no way in hell Tarver could ever defeat Bryan, and I was more happy that they’re building up this feud with him and his former “pro.”

Bret, being my favorite wrestler of all time, has been PISSING ME OFF since march. Dude. You’re FREAKING OLD AND BROKEN DOWN. STAY OFF OF MY TV! LET ME REMEMBER YOU FROM 1997 AT WRESTLEMANIA XIII! JESUS CHRIST MAN! Hopefully after the suddenly being written out on the show means I don’t have to see him ever again, and I can continue to imagine him retiring from wrestling in 2001 and is now banging one of his many hot wives.

So instead we get a Gabriel vs. a Red Hot Randy Orton. How does it end? SHEAMUS RUN IN FOLLOWING A COUNT OUT!

...Okay. Two Dusty finishes... That should be enough for a night, right?

*sighs* ...Wrong. Another count out victory, and by now I was scrambling around through documents in my room. I was looking for the combination to the safe that contains my gun.

Three Shitty Finishes and a tease that Michelle McCool will be on my television on the next episode makes this edition of Raw the clear winner of the “I Hate to Be ‘That’ Guy” award, Week two. My God I thought Russo was booking this shit.

Last week after telling you guys to check out Bret Hart vs. Bob Backlund gave me an idea. So at the end of every sign off of this article I give to you, A WRESTLING HISTORY LESSON.

Bret Hart had been missing from WWF Television following his devastating loss to Shawn Michaels at Wrestlemania 12 in 1996’s match of the year, The 60 minute Iron Man Match. Following the worked shoot where Bret had been offered a massive deal by Eric Bischoff, Bret returned to WWF Wrestling, stating he’d be with the Federation forever to the deep sigh of Vince McMahon. Meanwhile, Steve Austin had just won the 1996 King of the Ring with his legendary “Austin 3:16 says I just whipped your Ass” speech. Austin had used every bit of his television time to trash talk Bret Hart, including the amazing line “If you put the letter S in front of Hitman, You get my exact opinion of him!”

Finally, the match was set at Survivor Series 1996. Here is Bret Hart’s first meeting with “Stone Cold” Steve Austin. Peace: